Tome of Eternal Dorkness

I'm pissed off.

I don't mean like, someone cut me off in traffic pissed off or I had a bad day at work pissed off. I'm mean like I want to blow shit up pissed off. Which is ironic because I'm pissed off at Michael Bay.

If you've been on the Internet for the past two days, chances are you've heard that in Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, the heroes in a half shell will now be space aliens instead of mutated turtles. The Internet immediately cried foul and said, "But wait! If they're aliens, then they aren't mutants! They'll have to call it the Teenage Alien Invasion Ninja Turtles" and taint jokes were made and laughter ensued followed by sighs of unhappiness because it sunk in that this was really happening. I've read that the movie is just going to be called, "Ninja Turtles" either to make the "not mutants" argument invalid or just because Michael Bay probably thinks his audience is too stupid to know what a mutant is in the first place so he removed it. Remember the last time "Teenage Mutant" was taken out of the title of a TMNT thing? It was called The Next Mutation and it was so bad literally anyone associated with TMNT disowns it and pretends it never existed.

Then yesterday, Bay decided he'd quell everyone's anger by saying, "Fans need to take a breath and chill. They have not read our script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world." If it wasn't clear he hates the Ninja Turtles and everyone who loves them, it is now. He doesn't give a shit about the fans or the property. He's here to cash in, make the movie he wants to make, and forget anyone who gets in his way. He's essentially now just George Lucas putting that awful "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" in Return of the Jedi.

First of all, fuck you, Michael Bay. Who the fuck do you think you are? What makes you think you can make a better TMNT than everyone else who has come before you? Is it because you made a billion fucking dollars from Transformers? Most people that have an IQ higher than their shoe size abhor those movies. Your films appeal to the lowest common denominator of human filth that goes to a theater to shove fists of popcorn in their gaping mouths and convince themselves that the 3D effect they paid an extra $5 for is actually enhancing their cinematic experience in some way. "Building a richer world" my ass. That arrogance is what is enraging me and millions of others.

Want to know why people are really pissed off about this? Because it's the first confirmed offense. There have been rumors circulating about this movie but this is the first concrete evidence that Bay is fucking tampering with the franchise in a stupid, unnecessary way and it is not going to make for a better movie. His Transformers movies are proof that he just throws a bunch of mindless hogshit on the screen and says, "Fuck you" to anyone that liked the original. Bay is doing to 80's franchise movies what Joel Schumacher did to comic book movies in the 90's. Fuck I don't even know how he could say he is "including everything that made you become fans in the first place" when he is changing them to be goddamn space aliens. I don't love the Turtles because they're space aliens. That was never a part of why I loved them in the first place. He is being a presumptuous cock and an incorrect one at that.

Making the TMNT aliens is dumb for several reasons, but for me, the one that is probably the most offensive is that now the Turtles are no longer New Yorkers. To me, the TMNT were just like the Ghostbusters...You could take the Turtles out of New York, but you couldn't take New York out of the Turtles. A part of the charm of the first time I ever went to NYC was getting to see the place where the Turtles are from, even if they are fictional, I wanted to go because of things like Ghostbusters and Ninja Turtles. How is Raphael going to develop that Brooklyn accent and stereotypical New Yorker impatience and anger if he's from Chiron Beta Prime or Vulcan or some shit? How is Michaelangelo going to learn to love pizza and treating the NYC sewers as his own personal skate park? Donatello's genius level intellect is cheapened when he's a goddamn space monster that has access to a whole universe of knowledge instead of a guy who learns everything he can from lost books and tinkers with gadgets that fell down a storm drain... and the only city in the world where that would happen enough to build some of the stuff he builds is New York! And what? Leonardo's going to be the starship captain or some shit? I vastly prefer him going out and training first thing every morning with that New York skyline behind him, jumping from rooftop to rooftop without being seen or heard. Plus, how are they ninjas if they're from another world? Do other worlds have the Japanese art of ninjitsu? You'd think an alien race advanced enough to make it to Earth somehow would be past swords and nunchuks. So much of these characters come from Earthly origins and more specifically, New York City origins that altering this one little detail sets off a chain reaction of changes to the characters that are essentially unavoidable.

The only way to keep them New Yorkers but still have them be aliens is to drop them off on Earth in the sewers of New York when they're young and have them grow up there. This would beg the question of why have them be aliens at all then? Is there going to be some great revelation to them coming from the fact that they're aliens? Were the mutagen and TCRI and the Utroms not good enough? They never even did a movie about the Utroms. Are we finally going to get cinematic Utroms, Triceratons, and the Fugitoid? Or is it just lazy writing that explains everything even remotely unnatural as being space aliens because people nowadays are so stupid and lack so much imagination that they need shit like this to justify this kinda stuff in movies?

The thing that I just can't get over about this is that I know it's going to be successful. I know he is going to make another billion dollars off this and there's nothing I can do about it. All the love I've had for these characters and this world since I was a baby is irrelevant because most people are too stupid to boycott anything. They see a flashy trailer with a few explosions, a shot of some military people, and a plucky sidekick and they can't help but throw money at the person who made it. This will forever be the next chapter in the story of the Ninja Turtles. It'll be cemented in the history of something I love so much and it's depressing. The other option is that his movie flops and studios don't take the risk of going anywhere near a TMNT movie for like, 20 years. No good can come of this. I just simply do not want a Michael Bay Ninja Turtles movie to happen.

I know this whole ordeal is not as big of a thing to others as it is to me (and probably an even bigger deal to others), but it's important to me. I don't scream at my wife when my sports team loses the big game and I don't threaten to kill people if they look at my car the wrong way and I don't disown people if they disagree with me politically, but if you tell me you're making a new Ninja Turtles movie and it's a dumbed down version of the story I am so enchanted with, I'm going to get a little furious and I'm going to speak my mind. So go ahead and call me an angry nerd and make fun of me. I don't care. Have that "asshole I went to high school with" mentality towards me. I dealt with it then, I'll deal with it now (mostly by being better than anyone that's ever had that mentality anyway).

Welcome one and all to my top 11 games of 2011. Now I don't know what you're thinking but I'm going to assume it's this because I'm presumptuous: "Jacob! You always get mad at top whatever lists! Why make your own?" I'm glad you asked. The reason I am making my own is because top whatever lists always piss me off because most people's (especially those in the media) are always so trite. No list will ever match this one. The main reason is everybody else's (again, especially those in the media) top games lists will only include games that were released within the last five months. I remember that games came out all year. So without further ado, here's the 100% Jacob's opinion top 11 games of 2011.

11. Mario Kart 7 (3DS)
When I was making this list, I almost bumped this game and here's why: I am stupid. Mario Kart 7 is fantastic. I have lost more sleep staying up to do just one more race (that ended up being twelve more races) with friends than I can already recall and the game just came out in December. Everything from the controls to the courses has been refined to perfection (except for Maka Wuhu) and online play keeps you coming back for more.

10. Back to the Future: The Game (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)
If you're like me, you love Back to the Future. If you're not like me, you hate Back to the Future and are most likely a Libyan terrorist. This game was very reminiscent of 2009's Ghostbusters: The Video Game in that it picked up where the story in the films left off over 20 years ago and delivered an experience for fans by fans with a lot of help from the creators. Love is the key ingredient that made this game great and it showed. A point and click adventure that was simple at times, but delivered an experience that made the difficulty irrelevant.

9. Mario Sports Mix (Wii)
Back in the beginning of the year, I got this gem for my birthday and it stuck out as one of, if not the finest title in the long running Mario has fun with friends and enemies line of games. It tops Mario Golf, Mario Tennis, and Mario Kart for me. It contains a package of four different sports: Volleyball, basketball, hockey, and dodgeball, and each one could have easily been its own game and I'd have paid full price for each. Instead, Nintendo offered all four in one package and even threw in online play. The story mode is about as complicated as any sports game, but delivered in a mixture of a board game and bracket tournament. Each sports has gameplay that is both unique in its own way and similar to the other sports so that you can go from one to the next without having to completely relearn the controls. Ultimately at the end of the day, it's arcadey sports with both the Mario twist and level of fun and that's ridiculously difficult to beat.

8. Portal 2 (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)
What is there to say about Portal 2 that hasn't already been said? Like its predecessor it's puzzle gaming at its finest, this time with both a single player and multiplayer adventure. Seeing the dilapidated Aperture labs made you want to solve the mysteries of the game's puzzling environments to get your next taste of the amazing and hilarious voice work offered up by the cast. Playing through the multiplayer with a friend is one of the best gaming experience you could ask for in 2011 and my only beef with it is that I can't erase our memories of how to solve the puzzles and do it again.

7. Pokémon Black and White (DS)
This title is one that I feel is unjustly absent from just about every top games of 2011 list I've seen. It's usually not even in the running for like, best handheld game. It's a tragedy really, as Black and White offered up the Pokémon world's most intriguing story and a lineup of new Pokémon that was the best we've seen since Gold and Silver's additions to the roster. The gameplay is largely the same as the last generation, but like they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Black and White most likely took away more hours of my life than any other game on this list and its only shortcoming is in the online department, which had the game sending you to your browser to play Flash games instead of giving options for online battling that had no reason for not being there.

6. Pushmo (3DS)
I hope that every single person with a 3DS and everyone who plans to get one some day gives Pushmo a shot. I powered through the tutorials (which had no reason to even be in the game as the controls and very easy and self explanatory) and found myself engaged in a puzzle platformer that invaded my psyche to the point where I dreamed in Pushmo. The game is clever, occasionally maddening, puzzles that keep you coming back over and over. If that wasn't enough, you are also given a puzzle generator that will have you making your own contraptions of puzzley goodness to unleash on your friends by making QR codes for them to scan with their own 3DSes. This also enables you to download puzzles off the Internet giving the game infinite replayability, something not a lot of games can honestly say they have.

5. Sonic Generations (PC, PS3, Xbox 360, 3DS)
This should actually read "Sonic Generations (PC, PS3, Xbox 360) and Sonic Generations (3DS) tie" because they are actually two different games that, in my opinion, are pretty equal in terms of quality, it's just what you're looking for out of a Sonic game that makes them different. On the consoles, we have a fantastic modern Sonic the Hedgehog game with the finely tuned and polished control we got in Sonic Colors last year. The old school Sonic levels are fun as well and occasionally shine brighter than the modern Sonic ones (like the one from Sonic 2006), but ultimately, for me, the modern Sonic levels were always where it was at in the console version of that game. However, the Nintendo 3DS offering was completely different, it's 100% side-scrolling and if you're looking for a game that makes you feel like you're playing Sonic on Genesis again, the 3DS version is for you. There were a lot of times where I got the same feeling from this game that I did when I was a kid playing Sonic 2. The stage selection in the 3DS version is also vastly superior and neglects the duds in Sonic's career and includes a stage from the fantastic Rush games from the DS. Like I said though, ultimately the quality of both games is the same, it's just which experience you're wanting that should select the version you get. Me? I wanted it all and I got them both. I love Sonic!

4. Mortal Kombat (PS3, Xbox 360)
The fighting game that my mother told me I was never allowed to play in my youth came back this year and took no prisoners. Even up against Capcom's biggest of guns, Marvel vs. Capcom 3 (and it's subsequent less-than-a-year-later complete bullshit re-release that should have been a fucking patch, Ultimate MvC3), Mortal Kombat fatalitied all competition. The gameplay was perfected, made as brutal as possible, and unleashed with a story mode that made all competitors turn their heads. Without a doubt, this is the game whose multiplayer I played most this year and would still gladly pick up and play at any time. DLC offerings of extra characters kept the kombat fresh even months after the game's release. Overall, one of the best games of the year and a welcome return to the most violent fighting franchise in video games.

3. Batman: Arkham City (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)
Batman: Arkham City is without a doubt, game of the year material. I actually had a hard time not calling it my game of the year. There's nothing wrong with this game. It's fun. It's the right kind of difficult. It's got an amazing story. The gameplay is flawless. I can't rave about it enough. I could spend all day gliding around Arkham City beating up thugs. The game is great. There's so much content and... CRAP I just remembered I forgot to talk to Calendar Man on Christmas Day. Oh well. Guess I won't be getting that achievement.

2. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (Wii)
This is another title that it pains me to not call "Game of the Year." The latest entry in gaming's most revered franchise is as beautiful as it is fun and engaging. It's the kind of game you have a hard time putting down as you go from one location to the next. You find out very early on that you need to check a lot of the things you know about Zelda at the door because this experience is unlike any other. The swordplay is incredible and you honestly have to engage enemies in an intelligent way or you will be decimated. There's these parts called "Silent Realms" that scared the living shit out of me and while I said I hated playing them, looking back I enjoy that a game can get in my head like that and bravo for being able to do that. No survival horror game has even come close to giving me that level of anxiety while making me keep going because I still absolutely wanted to accomplish my goal. It is still a Zelda game though and you are met with puzzles and dungeons the same as any other and like I said about Pokémon, if it ain't broke don't fix it. That's not to say the puzzles are all the exact same as in previous entries, they're definitely not, and with the slew of new tools Link obtains and the new motion controls for old ones that returned, it's a fresh experience that leaves nothing to be desired.

And finally...

My #1 game from 2011...

Drumroll...

1. Super Mario 3D Land (3DS)
Super Mario 3D Land feels like Nintendo took the best ingredients from almost every single Mario game they ever made, threw them in a pot, and made a delicious stew. The gameplay takes you back to the original game with the simple controls of one button to jump and one to run/shoot stuff (also with the 3D games' addition of a shoulder button to duck) and throws in the modern twist of quirky level designs that the Galaxy games were best at and gives you a Mario experience unparalleled by any other. When you play through the game's eight worlds, you may be feeling as if it was a bit short and want some more... then BOOM! you unlock another eight worlds. AND you get to play as Luigi. It's almost too good to be true. The game is challenging in the best way: The way that makes you go, "Shit! I died!" but then you immediately want to give it another shot. Even when I died in a way that made me go, "Fuck this game!" I'd return to it within the next couple of hours because I needed to beat that level. I couldn't resist it! Super Mario 3D Land is the first game Nintendo released that made you realize why you needed a 3D screen on a DS. Before 3D Land, I was just kind of like, "Oh, it's a neat feature I guess, I don't see why I need it" but now I do see why I need it! I need it to land my jumps in a more precise way! I need it to better understand my environment! I need it to see exactly how close that Bullet Bill is getting before I jump out of its way. I'm certain that the amount of fun you can derive from them is unparallelled. That is why Super Mario 3D Land is my #1 game from 2011.

If you actually read this, I hope you enjoyed reading it. Honorable mentions go to: Pac-Man & Galaga Dimensions (3DS), Gears of War 3 (Xbox 360), You Don't Know Jack (DS, PC, PS3, Wii, Xbox 360), and Harvest Moon: The Tale of Two Towns (DS, 3DS). I'll be back to piss people off with my rankings in another year (because I have the courtesy to wait until the year actually ends to rank the best shit from it).

My New Year's resolution is to try to have just as awesome of a year next year as I did this year OR to have an awesomer year. I'll have to match or top getting a new job, moving to Indianapolis, getting engaged to my dream girl, getting into comic books (other than just Ghostbusters), seeing Weird Al live, meeting Dan Aykroyd, going to five awesome weddings, making a webcomic with my friend Kevin that got over 6,000 views and was posted on Halolz, seeing Ghostbusters in theaters three times, getting a Nintendo 3DS, starting a 3DS StreetPass group and meeting a lot of cool new people, going to New York City with my dad, his new wife, and my brothers, having Crowster come hang out for two weeks, meeting Christopher Lloyd at my first ComicCon, going to the first "haunted" Halloween attraction that wasn't super lame, winning a battle at the Pokémon Video Game Championship Nationals, going on a great trip to Michigan with my family, enjoying the totally mature hobby of NERF gun wars with Ryan, having one of the greatest Christmases I can remember, watching amazing movies like Captain America and The Muppets, playing awesome video games like The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, Mortal Kombat, Pushmo, and Batman: Arkham City, and lots of great times with friends and family, the specifics of which I may have already forgotten.

So.

Match or top all that...

Challenge accepted.

I have a rebuttal I'd like to write to this article. I don't think anybody that's been playing video games since before 1996 really feels like IGN is a credible source for gaming opinions, but I still feel compelled to argue with this main statement right here: "The fact is that Nintendo has never turned around the failure of a console or handheld by doing a price drop."

I think IGN is missing a lot of big picture arguments about all four of the systems in question. The first one you have to discuss is the Virtual Boy. Yes, the Virtual Boy was clearly a failure and Nintendo never really gave it the support it would have needed to survive or turn that around. Not the case with the other three consoles listed there and not fair to say, "Because this happened in this circumstance, it is something to be wary about happening again because we found a trend with other Nintendo products" especially when my main rebuttal is this: The Virtual Boy is the only console, handheld or otherwise, Nintendo has had that can be called a failure.

The Nintendo 64 being called a failure is stupid for multiple reasons. I think that the word "failure" is an extremely harsh way to describe the Nintendo 64. Even in terms of sales, the N64 did okay, it just didn't do as well as the Playstation. That doesn't equate it to a failure. You know what was a failure? Everything Sega made after the Genesis. Why? Because almost nobody bought them and Sega stopped making consoles at that point and just made games. That is my definition of a console failing, not "the lesser number of sales in a market where there's only two major competitors." The N64 sold more worldwide units in its lifetime than the original Xbox at a time when the gaming market was smaller. Hard to call that a failure without also saying the original Xbox was a failure.

The GameCube obviously did the worst of the three consoles of its generation here in the states, but in Japan, it ranked second. The worldwide sales numbers place GCN pretty close to the original Xbox, only a difference of about 2 million units with Xbox being the winner and I don't see anybody calling the original Xbox a failure. Either way, like I said before, people bought it (everyone either owned a GameCube or knew someone who did) and there was another console after it and therefore I don't define it as a failure.

What's also important to note is that Nintendo consoles, unlike some of their competitors, are never sold at a loss. Nintendo is always making money on the sale of a console, unlike Sony and Microsoft who get out of that loss with parts becoming cheaper over time and game sales. Game sales for Nintendo are all money on top of money. Remember when everyone made that big to-do about Nintendo posting a quarterly loss for the first time earlier this year? That means they were profitable during the GameCube and 64 years. Kind of hard to call those consoles failures if they made money, hm?

So now we come to 3DS and I have to again beg people to see the bigger picture. The gaming market in 2011 is significantly larger than the gaming market during the days of the Virtual Boy, Nintendo 64, and GameCube. Why is this? It's because of Nintendo for both the Wii and DS. Those consoles did extraordinarily well and beat the pants off of all competitors. Now I'm supposed to believe that because the 3DS had a worse-than-anticipated launch (which, if you look at the history, was actually better than the launch of the original DS in terms of sales figures), that all those customers are going to just forget about Nintendo and the 3DS is destined to fail. Pardon my French, but that isn't very smart.

If there was any argument to be made about 3DS being doomed to fail, it should be pointing at that the fact that Nintendo has posted a quarterly loss for the first time! But even that's not fair because they just launched a handheld console in the middle of a worldwide recession. Once people start having/spending money again, the sales will be there. Especially since, unlike the 3DS at launch, there will be plenty of quality games people really want too. Sony's gaming division posted losses years into the PS3's lifespan. PS3 turned it around, not by sheer luck, but by getting games that people want to play on the console. 3DS is doing the same thing right now. You can't tell me Nintendo couldn't put out a Pokémon game (a real one, not a Stadium or a spin-off) on 3DS and get millions of those bad boys to fly off the shelf.

So their article concludes with a bit of backpedaling saying, "Is it a sure thing that the 3DS is going to continue to underperform? No, not necessarily. All of these situations are different, and the effort Nintendo is putting into incentivizing the system is unprecedented. But it's something to be wary of" but I feel my point that the only console of those four that can be honestly and truly defined as a failure is the Virtual Boy dismantles the whole ideology behind what they wrote. Plus if you want to say, "History has shown that when consumers decide they don't want a system right out of the gate, it's really hard to ever change their mind" then you also have to talk about two other factors: The 3DS's launch sales were actually very good, it was the period between launch and the price drop where sales faltered. The second thing you need to look at is the PS3, which, like I said earlier, turned it around. Go back to Christmas 2006 and walk into any store. PS3 is on the shelf despite the fact that they only shipped 60% of the units they expected to at launch. Wii, on the other hand, was a rare item and after I got my own on launch day, it took me almost a whole year to see in a store again because they were being bought so fast. This is the real reason why everyone's saying 3DS is some kind of failure, because unlike the Wii and DS, the 3DS can be found readily available on the shelf. Couldn't be that Nintendo learned a lesson about supply and demand and let's ignore the fact that the 3DS is #1 in worldwide sales right now. Virtual Boy, N64, and GCN had price cuts in the first six months and so did 3DS! That means 3DS may be doomed to fail! Hear that fanboys!? Now give our site more hits and while you're there, click on one of our advertisements, won't you?

I've been thinking a lot about Animal Crossing 3DS lately. Specifically, pro designs I'd like to make (if that feature is returning, which I pray to God it is). And if there's Pro Designs on not just shirts, that would be the coolest shit. I'd like to reopen my pro design shop at AXA too as not only made me a ton of Bells, but it also introduced me to some really nice and generous people. Plus, it was a lot of fun. So here's a list of what I'd like to do that I will most likely add to:

Remake the Ghostbusters jumpsuit w/proton pack and clean it up a bit http://www.axaforums.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=17498
*Maybe do Real Ghostbusters variants with the blue proton pack http://www.chud.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/the_real_ghostbusters.jpg

Do a Book of Mormon outfit (well okay, that'd just be a regular Mormon outfit) http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/62800675/The+Book+of+Mormon+bookofmormon.jpg

In that same vein, make an Orgazmo costume http://img76.imageshack.us/img76/3913/orgazmodvdcoverpe5.jpg

Make a Captain America uniform outfit (I've been on a huge Captain America kick since the movie came out) http://mimg.ugo.com/201006/46522/cuts/captain-america-3_480x640.jpg

Definitely want to do an Arkham City Robin shirt http://geektyrant.com/storage/post-images-2011/batmanarkhamcityrobin.jpeg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1309972104285

I'd like to make a Mega Man X thing http://images.wikia.com/megaman/images/7/7c/Megaman3MHX.jpg

I don't think anyone would argue against a Captain Hammer shirt http://www.heroinetv.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/captain-hammer.jpg

OH! I'd also like to make a Stay Puft shirt, just a white shirt with the little... blue... sailory thing he's got going on there. http://www.greenwithglamour.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/stay-puft-300x300.jpg

So yeah, there's some I'd like to do. I'm sure I'll list more if they come to me. Peace out!

I've been to two weddings in the past few months and that naturally gets me thinking about my own wedding. I guess more so than anything, I think about the music selection that will be at the reception. Kind of odd, I suppose, but the first wedding Erika and I went to this year played like, 90% country music and the 2nd one (which we went to last night), played 90% rap music. So I wasn't exactly excited to be hearing the songs they played on the dance floor. And you know, that's fine, I still had a fantastic time at both and I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. It wasn't my wedding so I didn't expect to have my musical tastes catered to.

But like I said I've been thinking about the song selection at my wedding. I know I probably shouldn't hand select 100% of the music that will be played there. I have kind of... um... unusual music taste and I guess some of the popular stuff needs played to get people on the dance floor. I mean, at the wedding last night, they were playing song after song that honestly sounded the exact same but all of my younger cousins seemed to know the difference between the songs and go crazy for them. It honestly perplexed me. However, I had an awesome conversation with my grandmother about dancing and kids these days and ended with me determining that we were both old. It also helped me determine a song selection that I would like played at my wedding.


I half jokingly mentioned wanting to play a polka at my wedding (oh yes, that will probably happen too), then Grammy suggested I also play a waltz. I really only know one waltz and as far as waltzes go, the one I know is one I really like. I think all of my friends could get behind dancing to it, even if they don't know the exact dance you're supposed to do. I may make an effort to learn it and have Erika learn as well so we look all cool when/if it plays at our wedding.

I've recently started listening to The Gregory Brothers' EP, "Meet the Gregory Brothers" which isn't at all the kind of stuff you see them doing on YouTube. They have a song on that EP called "Butter On My Roll" that I think would be really fun to dance to. Plus it's an all around great song. This is the only place I can find it on YouTube, which is live so not the best quality. But if you have a few bucks to spend, I recommend picking up their EP on iTunes or Amazon. It's definitely worth it.

Obviously we'll play Lovers of Loving Love as that's ~our song~ but after these past two weddings, I'm not sure if it's first dance as a married couple material. I mean, I would love to do that. It would be ridiculously fun, and that's what our relationship is all about... but it seems like the first dance should be a slower song. In that case, I'd nominate Define Dancing from Wall-E.


I had this song playing when I proposed to Erika and I can't listen to it anymore/watch that scene without tearing up a bit. Happy tears, obviously. But I don't know! I'm sure we'll play both songs, just not sure when!

Speaking of fun songs, ever since I heard Jonathan Coulton's cover of Baby Got Back, I've been hooked on it. When Erika and I were at the first wedding we went to this year, they played the original version and I couldn't stop thinking the whole time how much fun and how funny it would be to play the JoCo version. I would like to play it during the dollar dance thing that people are doing at weddings nowadays. That would be silly. I think Erika would also like to play Bitches Ain't Shit, but that may be a little inappropriate. Come on, there will be kids there. I assume.

When it comes to real rap songs that are actually rapped to, I'll just want one mc chris song played. I really don't care which one. Going with appropriateness, I'll probably have to select something like Emo Party or Hoodie Ninja. Either one of those would do.

For a while now, I've wanted to have this song playing as the guests entered the reception. Before the wedding party and all that... nobody's really dancing or doing anything at this time and I just enjoy the song. I also enjoy subjecting everyone to good music.

For the mother/son dance, I already pretty much know what I have to play.


Imagine was my mom and dad's ~song~ when they were married. I can't honestly fathom any other song that would be better for the mother/son dance. Mom still loves this song. I'm fairly confident it is her favorite song. If not this, then A Pirate Looks at Forty... and I'm not playing any frat-boy-monkey-garbage at my wedding, I'm sorry.

OH! Tonight when my cousin Jennie and her husband Jason were coming in to the reception, they were playing this. That was priceless. I'm definitely going to play this song at my wedding because being a fan of A Night at the Roxbury is a prerequisite to being a part of my life. The movie literally changed my friend Ryan's life as far as how he dresses himself (this is legitimately true). My older brother Tyler and I were Steve and Doug Butabi for Halloween one year. I was doing the head bob the whole time it played tonight. So was my cousin Jennie. I'm fairly confident we were some of the few, but hey this is a good dance clubby song people can dance to in non-Roxbury ways, but I can do Roxbury stuff during it and be awesome. I'll probably make sure a Michael Jackson song gets played for Ryan's sake as well. Yes. They will believe that. It's for Ryan's sake.

So yeah. I don't want to control the entirety of the songs selected to be played, but I would like some I honestly really enjoy peppered in there. I guess I'll wrap this up by saying I also know what song I want playing during the part where I remove the garter. At Erika's friend's wedding that we went to a couple months back, they played "Pour Some Sugar On Me" to try to unnerve the guy as he removed it the way real men do at their weddings, with their teeth. I know the exact song that needs to be playing when I do this. It's called "Tie The Knot" and it's by the greatest band in the history of fake cartoon metal bands, Dethklok.

N's eHarmony Video Bio by ~JacobLionheart on deviantART

For the past couple of years, I have gone to one of the many fireworks stores that pops up around town to buy explosives for the one time of year I'm allowed to blow shit up and people don't think I'm just some kind of weirdo crazy. Last year, I made an observation that I'm sure others have made before, but I hadn't seen it anyway... The names of a lot of fireworks would make great penis names. So last year and again this year, I texted choice firework names to my Twitter account. Dick jokes make me giggle, so I'm going to repost them here. All of these are names of real fireworks sold in stores. Feel free to laugh along with me or ignore what is probably my most juvenile LiveJournal post of all time...

"Red Rascal"
"Fantasy Whip"
"Whistling Jupiter Missile"
"Mind Blower"
"Too Much 4 You"
"Chicken on a Chain"
"Maximum Thrust"
"Afternoon Delight"
"Deep Impact"
"Sonic Boomer"
"Thunder Down Under"
"Tower of Terror"
"The Yeti"
"Hard Head"
"Beyond Compare"
"HA HA Fountain"
"Large Tank"
"Metabanger"
"Unicorn Fountain"
"Screaming Willy"
"Fighting Rooster"
"Rapid Rampage"
"Plane Flying At Night"
"Big Bad Banger"
"Triple Banger"
"Frisky Starburst"
"World's Strongest Fountain"
"Impossible Dream"
"Black Snake"

I think Metabanger is my favorite. JB out!

One of my cousins posted this on her facebook page. I would argue with her and it there, but I believe my stance that arguing with people is futile is well documented, so I will post my (lengthy) response here.

I like to think of myself as someone who looks at each individual issue that comes my way and forms an opinion of my own. Now whether or not that's true or not, I guess I can't be certain. Maybe someone I don't like took a stance on the issue and it makes me prone to go against them, maybe I grew up with a family full of cops so I'm very pro-law enforcement, maybe I'm unsympathetic towards certain groups of people and too sympathetic towards others for different reasons that I'm sure stem from different events in my life... I don't know why all my opinions have formed the way they did, but they did. I guess this issue, the issue of drug testing people on welfare, is one where I tend to lean much more to the right than the left.

This was the comment I wanted to post in reply to my cousin, but refrained for a few reasons. First, like I said, arguing with anyone is futile. Everyone's already got their minds made up about every issue before they put their stance out there to be argued with, so why bother? Second is, I guess I have an insult in there. Whatever. Third reason is this isn't the most well thought out response or accurate presentation of my thoughts on this subject. Anyway, here's the comment: "Just think of it as the government paying them to not break the law. Makes it easier on the simple-minded."

The way I feel about drug testing people on government assistance is, essentially, simple: If you want to receive money from the government, I think you should have to play by the government's rules. If you've ever had a job and said, "They don't pay me enough to..." then list off a duty that your employer expects you to do, a part of me hates you. If someone's giving you money, generally there's a reason behind it. Employers, for example, give you money to do work for them. So turning around and saying they don't give you enough money for what they're asking of you has a simple solution in my mind: Stop accepting the money they give you and find another job. Don't be so entitled, like someone should pay your ass to stand around and do nothing.

With welfare/government assistance, this is taken to a different level. You are literally being paid to do nothing because we live in a society of decent people that don't want you to starve to death. So we have things like government assistance to help with that. It's paid for by people like me that have jobs and pay taxes, which I absolutely do not mind doing at all. I enjoy having a police force and fire department and all that other stuff. I gladly pay my taxes because I enjoy living somewhere like America where we have police that keep us safe and we take care of our poor. Now what I do mind is people who act like they deserve my tax monies and are unwilling to play by the rules society sets in place for them. Enter: Random drug screening for welfare recipients.

The guy who wrote the article my cousin linked drops everyone's favorite logical fallacy and says: "If Governor Scott wants to drug test recipients of TANF benefits, where does he draw the line? Are families receiving Medicaid, state emergency relief, or educational grants and loans next?" I know this is a bullshit argument, but I'll bite because my point kicks this shit right in the ass. Okay, where do they draw the line? I'll take "I don't care" for a thousand, Alex. See the problem here stems back from a beginning stance I took a long time ago and I think you'll understand where I'm coming from when I link this:



In his article, the author says that marijuana shouldn't be illegal and acts like the ban on usage of illegal drugs in this country are some kind of horrible government oppression. Oh boo hoo. I wish I was a hippie so I could ignore the facts about the downsides of drugs (and most specifically marijuana too). Like how it turns you in to an insufferable, boring asshole. Or how it is linked to the development of psychosis. Both of these things I've witnessed with my own eyes, so don't drop your hippie "That's just what the government wants you to think, man!" bullshit on me, Shaggy and Scoob. Let's just stay away from the harder stuff, because that's an argument that's ridiculously easy to win. Cocaine can randomly make your heart explode, okay? I don't think there's any upside to its usage that overpowers that point.

The guy in the article says that keeping people on welfare/government assistance away from drugs is punishing them. Actually, slick, it's the exact opposite. Getting them off that stuff would definitely help them toward making their lives better. Now I know I don't have any fancy research or studies to back this up, but if you mean to tell me that people who are not on drugs aren't much more productive members of society than people who are, then you are dumb. Wait what's this? A quick Google search proves the obvious is true? BOOM! I was the boss of a gas station for a year and I can definitely tell you that people who use drugs are lazier and less reliable than people who do not. Now are drug users incapable of being productive? No absolutely not. I'm not saying that at all because I'm not stupid. I know that there's people who use drugs that are great workers and people that don't use drugs that are shitty workers, but overall, the numbers don't lie: Using drugs will make most people less productive members of society. Keeping people off drugs when they are literally the least productive members of society seems like a no brainer.

You see, it just goes back to what I said: The government is giving you money. You should do what the government says. If you don't want to do what the government says, don't take the government's money. It's that simple. Now I know people will whine, "But Jacob! It's hard on poor people and they have to use drugs to-" and I'll interrupt you there and go, "No. They do not have to use drugs at all. Ever. Nobody ever has to smoke marijuana. It's never a thing that has to happen." This point is not arguable. Sitting around and getting high is not something anyone is entitled to or required to do, rich or poor. The article makes it seem like this is some kind of class warfare and it really isn't. You know what it is? It's somebody giving someone else money and expecting a certain level of respect for the generosity of our society that you follow the rules of said society. It's nothing more than that.

So yeah do I think we should drug test people getting welfare, Medicaid, educational grants, and things like that? You're goddam right I do. If your dumb ass thinks you should just get things handed to you for free and you shouldn't have to do anything, even something as simple as not fucking up your mind and body with an unnecessary substance, then you need to grow up and realize the world doesn't just hand you whatever you want/need for no reason at all. If you don't like the rules the government sets for you to receive that money, then just don't receive that money. It's that simple. I have no desire to help people who are unwilling to help themselves, and staying on drugs and continuing to be a drain on society by just accepting welfare and not trying to better your situation in life sounds like being unwilling to help yourself to me... And like I almost said in the facebook comment I didn't make, just think of it as paying welfare recipients to not do drugs if that helps. I don't think this is an unreasonable request.

Been working on my bug team. Got some great Pokémon bred so far. I'm really looking forward to seeing how they all work together.

So far this is the lineup:



Herc Jr. and Jigawatt from my HeartGold and Black teams respectively are making an appearance (why argue with two that work?)! Yes I know Drapion and Gliscor are not Bug type. They are, however, in the Bug egg group and are based on bug things, so suck it. I don't think I'm going to stop with just these six. I've already got a really good Yanmega and Pinsir that I've been known to use. There's a lot of others I'd like to train too like Escavalier, Armaldo, and Accelgor. The list is actually really long. Bugs rock!

So I don't know why but I dig doing these 30 day "challenge" things (although there's really nothing challenging about them) and for the movies one, I'd really like to not have the same answers twice, so I'm posting shit here ahead of time. Or something. Maybe I won't finish it and I'll edit stuff in as I go or change shit when I think of a better answer. I don't know.

Day 1: Favorite film - Ghostbusters
Day 2: Least favorite film - Adventureland
Day 3: Favorite comedy - Orgazmo
Day 4: Favorite drama- Groundhog Day
Day 5: Favorite action - Aliens
Day 6: Favorite horror - Shaun of the Dead
Day 7: Favorite animated feature - Lion King
Day 8: Favorite thriller - Taken
Day 9: Favorite musical - The Blues Brothers
Day 10: Favorite foreign film - Hot Fuzz
Day 11: Favorite kids' movie - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Day 12: Favorite love story - Wall-E
Day 13: Favorite chick flick - 50 First Dates (if that counts, I'll have to ask Erika)
Day 14: Favorite documentary - Clerks (trust me, if you've ever worked at a convenience store, it's a documentary)
Day 15: Favorite play adaptation - Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
Day 16: Favorite book adaptation - Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Day 17: Least favorite book adaptation - Twilight (Never read the books, but technically it IS a book adaptation and I have a fiery hatred for it)
Day 18: Film that is your guilty pleasure - Death Race
Day 19: Film that made you cry the hardest - Toy Story 3
Day 20: Movie with your favorite actress - Serenity (Jewel Staite)
Day 21: Movie with your favorite actor - Spies Like Us (Danny A)
Day 22: Movie you wish you could live in - Choose one of the Pokémon movies
Day 23: Movie that inspires you - Walk Hard
Day 24: Movie with your favorite soundtrack - Wayne's World
Day 25: Movie with the most beautiful scenery - Thor
Day 26: Movie you're most embarrassed to say you like - I'm not really embarrassed to say I like anything, will have to think about this one
Day 27: Movie with your favorite villain - Beetlejuice
Day 28: Movie with your favorite hero - Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
Day 29: First movie you ever remember watching - Ghostbusters (gonna have to reuse it)
Day 30: Last movie you watched - TBD

Go See Weird Al
Race Go-Karts
Eat pizza (done multiple times)
High-five
Play Mortal Kombat without lag
Play Smash Bros without lag
Build proton packs that legitimately catch real ghosts
Drop kick King Kong off the Empire State Building
Play Rock Band in the same room
Make Mysterion and Mint-Berry Crunch costumes
Go back in time in a DeLorean and screw up the time line, then "fix" it by making it better for us
ACTUALLY HAVE A 6 VS. 6 FLAT BATTLE IN POKEMON BLACK AND WHITE WITH IR BATTLING JESUS CHRIST FINALLY FUCK YOU NINTENDO
Be awesome college graduates that hang out with college degrees

I feel like I'm forgetting stuff if you think of anything, Crow, just post it here.

EDIT: Crossed out everything we did. I don't remember if we played Smash Bros or not. Guess we'll just have to save that for the next time you're down here. Also drop kicking King Kong off the Empire State Building.

Time for member number three... The rage-quit-causer, the traveler, the queen of mean, the fourth nickname: Zoroark!

Zoroark

Gender: Female
Nature: Timid
Characteristic: Alert to sounds.
Ability: Illusion
Nickname: Gozer
IVs: HP-22 Atk-12 Def-26 SpA-24 SpD-26 Spe-30
EVs: HP-6 SpA-252 Spe-252
Item: Salac Berry
Attacks: Nasty Plot, Night Daze, Extrasensory, Flamethrower

After one of her trips to Australia, Shenny sent me a Togekiss plush and Zorua and Zoroark keychains. I don't know why, but I really started to like Zoroark as a result. While I was planning my team, I had five members picked out for a couple days and was talking to Crow a lot about who my sixth member should be. I don't recall if he suggested Zoroark or if it just popped in there, but I took a look and it really fit well.

Initially, I had it in my head that I wanted a male Zoroark and had bred one with great IVs as well as a female with marginally (honestly, it's questionably) better IVs. I had the male who Crow suggested I name, "The Spy." I love that name for a Zoroark, but in the end, it's not really my style (I tend to reference Dan Aykroyd films more than Valve games, if we haven't met). I was trying to think of a shapeshifter ghost from Real Ghostbusters as there were a few, but none of them had great names like Killerwatt or Shanna (Drool was the best candidate). Then I remembered: "Duh Jacob. Gozer the Gozerian comes in different forms." That worked out well as I had the female bred and everything, so I just swapped the female in and now I've got two Pokémon on my team with Ghostbusters reference names. Just like my HeartGold team!

Now for the actual rundown of how I plan to use Gozer. Obviously, the best strategy with Illusion is to hide your Zoroark behind a Pokémon that resists attacks that would be super effective against it and is weak to attacks it resists. Insert Blackey, my Cofagrigus. Gozer hiding behind Cofagrigus has worked beautifully for me so far. I set up two Nasty Plots right in front of a Conkeldurr and swept away him and his team mates (+ caused a ragequit) because he Bulked Up, hit me with a dark move, and then on the third turn, was KOed by Extrasensory. It is some devilish trickery to set up in front of the type you're weak to like that, but that's the beauty of Zoroark. Cofagrigus is completely immune to Zoroark's most common weakness, Fighting, and resists its second weakness, Bug. Meanwhile, Zoroark resists both ghost and dark, Cofagrigus' weaknesses. There's also the added bonus of being immune to Psychic, which forced a Wobbuffet user to ragequit on me (see the previous entry).

So yeah, these keep getting longer and longer. Whoever ends up being the last team member I describe will probably get a full novel published for them. Then I'll really ~be somebody~ ... :P